News is in...

She is ALL clear (and Lily-Mae is too)!!!!! Praise God!!!  NED!!! We are so happy and beyond thankful!!  Let's do this thing called summer and someone turns 5 next week :)

Scan is on

She is sleeping now and getting her scan... Prayers, prayers and more prayers!  Thanks to Helen DeVos, they do such a wonderful job for our girl. Thanks for all your wonderful and supportive comments.  I will say it again, Team Addie really is the best team in town!!

She was so happy and energetic this morning, being the life of the party as always!  We took a video of her this morning getting her IV.  She amazes us continually at how well she endures everything... She is so amazing, so strong and always brave.  This was her second IV in 24 hours, not a tear, not a flinch or a complaint!  Addie Lynn Brenden you are ONE tough cookie and I am so blessed to be your Mommy.

I will try and share the video later, my phone is not cooperating right now.

That time again...

Has it really been three months already?  Are we really back in Michigan for scans?!  Wow, time flies when your girl is feeling so good :). Addie has her scan tomorrow, please send up lots of prayers for our girl... Clear scans for an eternity!!! 

Also please say a special prayer for a sweet little girl from Ireland named Lily-Mae.  Lily-Mae completed the clinical trial Addie is now in.  She is fighting Neuroblastoma and WINNING, praise God.  She is having her 6 month post-DMFO treatment scans at the same time our Addie girl is having hers.  Their family is such an inspiration to us and we were so thankful to meet them in person today.  Prayers for you Lily-Mae, prayers for a long life filled with heath, happiness and CLEAR scans!!!

We are trying to have a little fun while we are here in Grand Rapids.  We are thankful big sister came along for the trip but we are missing our sweet little Emma.  Big thank yous to Grandpa, Aunt Rachael, Uncle David and Coral for taking care of Emma Sue while we are away.  

Here we go Team Addie... Please storm the heavens for our girl!! 

Preschool

Someone finished her first year of preschool today!!!  

This is a special milestone for any little one and a day that makes every parent's heart happy!  This Momma's heart is especially thankful!!  My girl was able to go to preschool and finish her first year... Just like a "normal" kid!!! "Normal" kid stuff is extra special when your child has had far from "normal" circumstances!!! 

Feeling incredibly blessed in too many ways to count!! Praise God!  Thank you Mrs. Blough and Mrs. Williams for a wonderful year full of learning, having fun, making friends, and making special memories. 

Way to go Addie Bean!! You have come such a long way... When you started preschool we couldn't get you to go without screaming and crying and at the end, you asked daily if you could go to school!  

I love you so much big girl!  I am so blessed to be your Mommy!

Mother's Day & Looking Back

I am truly blessed to be the mother of three precious little girls.  I just adore my girls and being their mother really is the BEST THING EVER.  We had a wonderful day yesterday, we worked our buns off but it was a really great day.  The girls' gave me the sweetest gifts that they made.  My heart was FULL.  I went to bed feeling incredibly overwhelmed about how great life is.  Addie is here with us, and not only is she here, she is healthy, happy and her perfectly SASSY self.  With a heart full of thankfulness, I prayed and I prayed, giving thanks for my three little gifts.  I am not sure why, but anytime I feel overwhelming joy, intense worry follows.  I really have struggled since Addie's diagnosis with feeling happy, I have felt happy countless times and with this happiness comes intense worry and anxiety (vacations, milestones, holidays)... It sounds nuts to struggle with happiness, I love feeling happy and I have had so much to be happy about.  I guess I just am always waiting for the other shoe to drop, like when will my happiness be stolen from me again.  I laid there last night praying that life would stay this way forever.  I prayed that forever I could be a mother to my three beautiful girls.   I want time to stop, because today Addie is here and we are a family of 5 and life is really, really good.  Anyone who has experienced cancer knows how quickly it happens, healthy one minute, stage 4 Neuroblastoma the next.  The life that you lived is completely taken away from you and for me I am haunted by what can happen.

Two years ago, I spent Mother's Day in a hospital room with my almost four month old baby, husband and my precious Addie.  Addie had an IV with morphine to keep her comfortable because her back pain was so severe.  There we waited for a diagnosis, for a reason why our precious 2 year old had a mass along her spine and was experiencing severe back pain.  On May 15, Addie was put under general anesthesia to biopsy her tumor (Naughty Randall) and to have a central line placed because the doctor's were confident it was cancer.  I remember our beloved surgeon, Dr. Potter, talking with us after the surgery.  He said that when he opened Addie up the tumor just came gushing out at him, it was coming through her rib cage, it was in her surrounding lymph nodes, pushing on her right lung, and was extending into her spinal canal.  On Reed's birthday, May 19th, it was confirmed that Addie did in fact have Neuroblastoma.  Addie's cancer was stage 4, it was in her bone marrow and there were multiple other areas of bony involvement.  Devastation doesn't even scratch the surface of what we felt.  Our precious baby girl had cancer, an extremely aggressive cancer, and to top things off she had the amplification that made it even worse.   I remember laying in the hospital bed with her while she slept and feeling like there was a monster inside of her, trying to kill her.  I wondered how long it had been there and questioned myself, what did I miss?  The pain that she had been enduring was brutal, her tumor had advanced into her spinal canal and was putting pressure on her spinal cord, she couldn't even bend over anymore.  The drive to Iowa City from Covenant was terrible, any bump in the road Addie would cry and complain in her car seat.  I remember being scared that we wouldn't leave that hospital with Addie, I was terrified that she would die.  I remember feeling like we would never see home again.  How could I still be a mother to Emma and Grace, when my heart was being ripped out of my chest.   Addie's only complaint during the onset of this was, "Mommy, my back hurting."  I had heard her say that numerous times leading up to her diagnosis, I would give her some Tylenol and Ibuprofen and in the beginning this would relieve her complaints and she would go about her day, playing and being Addie.  She was and still is so tough, the toughest girl I know.  We had a resident tell us during that stay that you would never guess Addie was the sickest kid on the floor.  Wow, did that send a mix of emotions.  Hello, we were on the oncology floor and we were told our kid was the sickest there... talk about scary.  The more I think about that however, the more comfort I find.  Looking at Addie that time in room 33 on 3JCP, no one would have guessed she had stage 4 cancer.  We played in that playroom any chance we got, she was smiling and interacting with the nurses and doctors, and we took numerous walks through the halls.  That resident really gave us a backwards compliment... Addie is so tough, she is a fighter and NOTHING was or is going to get her down.   Through it all, Addie was still Addie.  We literally tortured her, took her to death's door and she fought and she fought and praise God she is still here with us.  There are reasons Addie had cancer, there are reasons our family was put through this... reasons that I will likely not know until I enter heaven.  However, today and through this whole journey with Addie, I have felt His presence.  Our Heavenly Father has been with us every step of the way.  He knows the plans He has for Addie and they are good.  I will forever give thanks for my three beautiful girls, they truly are gifts from God.  I am beyond thankful that I have had two years with my precious girl.  I got to take her home in 2014 with NO EVIDENCE OF DISEASE and she continue to be here and perfect to this day.  No one knows what tomorrow will bring, I remind myself each day to rejoice in each moment and do not take anything for granted.

My precious girl, I love you so much.  Thank you Addie Lynn Brenden for always fighting, for never giving up and for just being you... through it all.  My prayer will forever be that you remain cancer free and can live a long, long happy life.  Lord please let it be so, let my girl LIVE.  I am very selfish, I will never be ready to say good-bye to her, I want her here with me, Please God let it be so.  Thank you for letting me be her mother.  Lord please help me push aside the worry so I can see the blessings each day brings.

Thank you Team Addie, for your love and support the last two years.  I wear my bracelet proudly knowing that I am part of a wonderful Team.  Thanks for supporting my girl and for lifting her up in prayer.  Your comments are so encourging, THANK YOU.

Results are in...

She is CLEAR!  Thanks for praying us through Team Addie and thank you for all your loving comments!  Your support means so much to us!!!!

Praise God she is clear!!!!  Beyond thankful!!

Here we go again...

Happy Easter Team Addie... He is Risen.  What a wonderful Easter it was... ALL together, HEALTHY, lots of candy, easter egg hunts and most importantly celebrating JESUS!

It is that time again, SCANS... scanxiety is in full force, but honestly scanxiety never really goes away.  We head to Michigan tomorrow for Addie's three month follow-up scans.  This is the longest we have gone without scans.  Addie is doing wonderfully, thriving... still not sure she is growing :)  But she is happy and outwardly healthy.  PRAYING, praying, praying that she is ALL over healthy.  Always praying that there is NO more and will never be any terrible cells in her body.
I am scared, but I am always scared... every ache, pain, test, and scan turns me on RED ALERT.  Red alert is not a comfortable place to live, it overcomes all other aspects of my life.  When you think of my mind just think of a hamster on a wheel going around and around.  That is me most days, just spinning around the Addie anxiety wheel.  Questioning, worrying, praying, hoping, thanking... over and over and over again.

I am here packing and feeling the need to pack extra because what if something shows on her scans?!  What will that mean?  Will we be stuck in the hospital in Michigan?  Will I be apart from Grace and Emma and for how long?  Will Addie be okay, are there options, will her heart and kidneys be strong enough for more chemotherapy?  How much has the cancer spread?  Will it respond?  How long will she be treated and suffer?  When will the cancer overcome her?  When will I lose her?  What will that look like?  Can I be a good Mother to my other daughters without Addie here?  Will I survive?  Please don't let her suffer Lord, please don't make her fight again.  I know she is strong and will do anything we ask of her, she will suffer through endless therapies, likely with a smile, but please don't make her.  Please don't separate us again.  I can't bare the thought of seeing her sick, suffering, and separated from her sisters again.  She will never feel sorry for herself, but I will Lord... I am not strong enough to face this beast again. I can not do it, please don't make me.  Please don't let my girl suffer again.  Let her live a life, a healthy life.  She is deserving of life, a life without pain, a life without cancer, a life that most people take for granted... she is deserving Lord.  Please let her attend kindergarten, let her make friends, have sleepovers, have her first kiss, go to prom, go to college, get married and make me a grandma.  

I remember being worried about heaven and Addie going there without anyone she really knows... Our grandparents are there but she didn't get to really know them.  When my mother-in-law got sick I remember thinking that the Lord was going to take her to heaven so that way Addie would have someone waiting for her. Crying my eyes out, I told Carol this and in a strange way I was comforted knowing that Addie would have Grandma Carol to welcome her.  Thankfully, Grandma Carol is still alive.  She is in need of prayer and miraculous healing but we are beyond thankful that she is here. I am also thankful that God showed me that Grandma Carol doesn't need to be in heaven for Addie.  Last Sunday in church, I got a picture in my mind of Jesus in heaven.  I got an immense sense of peace in realizing that Jesus is there and his love for Addie surpasses all others.  I truly understood at that moment that He is our Father and that the love he has for us and we have for Him is that of a father's love.   I got a picture of Jesus welcoming Addie into his arms and she was smiling, she was happy and He was happy holding her and at that moment I knew that no matter what my Addie will be ok, better than ok, she will be perfect.  Jesus will be there for Addie and there is no better place to be but in Heaven wrapped in the arms of Jesus.  I discovered that my real fear lies with us left behind, her family left without her, to never be together again in the context that I know.  Can my life really go on without her, how could I survive?

I used to be scared to death of flying, vivid nightmares before flights, picturing how the plane would crash... I know, I am nuts!!  We recently took a vacation (another post, I am working on) and my once real fear of flying is now NOTHING, it is a blip on the radar compared to the fear I face with Addie everyday.  This is going to sound completely insane but I found myself thinking while on that flight that if we crashed at least we would all enter heaven together.  I know, I am nuts!  But Addie fear surpasses all others, the fear in the loss of a child is beyond anything I have experienced.  I remind myself that it is just fear, I have not lost my baby, there is no indication she will go to heaven before me or any of us.  I remind myself all the time that this fear is NOT from God, this fear is Satan trying to rob me of joy.  If I were a Momcologist whose child had not yet reached NED, or had relapsed, or a parent who had suffered the loss of a child I would hate me... How dare I worry about things that haven't happened and may never happen.  How dare I put myself in their shoes when my child is still alive and currently without disease.  How dare I let fear and anxiety steal my joy.  How dare I not appreciate every single moment spent with my girl because these are moments that some will never get.  I am so sorry.  I am sorry that I am weak.  I am sorry that occasionally the devil wins and fear and anxiety rule my mind.  I wish I was stronger, I pray that I could truly give it all up.  I must stop the wheel of fear and anxiety, and be thankful in this moment!!!!!  We were asked a question in church this Sunday, how long must we be believers in Christ to TRUST Him... Wow, did that hit home with me.  TRUST, trust, trust.  That word circles in my mind over and over and over again.  I hear the Lord say: 

Mandie, just give it up and trust in Me, trust My plan... I LOVE her more than you, I am your loving Father, no matter what happens, I am here, loving you and caring for her.  I HAVE this, there is no need to worry. Instead pray, give thanks and ENJOY your precious girls.  

That was just a small glimpse at my wheel... going around and around.  The things that I think of from day to day.  It is absolutely exhausting but I am beyond thankful that my wheel lately has been mostly focused on JOY and thankfulness.  We spent Easter together, I was able to watch my three girls hunt for easter eggs, we attended church as a family, we are HERE and all together... beyond thankful for that.  Togetherness.  There is truly nothing better than being together, watching my girls loving one another, which sometimes looks a lot like fighting :)  God is good and continues to pour out his love and faithfulness in our lives.  He is answering our prayers.  Praise God!!  Addie's life is a gift that I will continue to cherish forever.  We will forever be together in Christ and I know that whatever our future holds, He will provide.  He will always BE ENOUGH!   What a wonderful Father we have, he is strong, faithful, trustworthy, wise and is ALWAYS ENOUGH.

I recently came across TheTruth365... it is an organization bringing awareness to childhood cancer.  They have a page on facebook.  If you want your eyes wide open to this awful beast we call childhood cancer that is the site to look at.  The loss, sorrow and devastation families face each day is heart breaking.  These precious children battling cancer so valiantly, so strongly, and full of faith.  It reminded me of how fortunate we are with Addie's battle with Neuroblastoma.  At this moment she is victorious, she is here and she is thriving.  We have enjoyed time together as a family that many cancer families do not get.  I pray that a cure will be found, I pray that no child would have to suffer from this awful disease.  I pray that Addie will have clear scans on Thursday and forever and ever!  I pray that my wheel would stay focused on joy and thankfulness, it sure does make for a better day!

Please pray Team Addie.  Thank you for always praying us through.

Addie Lynn Brenden you are my heart, I love you more than words can describe.  Please Lord let me keep her, enjoy her and cherish every precious moment I have with her.