Mother's Day & Looking Back

I am truly blessed to be the mother of three precious little girls.  I just adore my girls and being their mother really is the BEST THING EVER.  We had a wonderful day yesterday, we worked our buns off but it was a really great day.  The girls' gave me the sweetest gifts that they made.  My heart was FULL.  I went to bed feeling incredibly overwhelmed about how great life is.  Addie is here with us, and not only is she here, she is healthy, happy and her perfectly SASSY self.  With a heart full of thankfulness, I prayed and I prayed, giving thanks for my three little gifts.  I am not sure why, but anytime I feel overwhelming joy, intense worry follows.  I really have struggled since Addie's diagnosis with feeling happy, I have felt happy countless times and with this happiness comes intense worry and anxiety (vacations, milestones, holidays)... It sounds nuts to struggle with happiness, I love feeling happy and I have had so much to be happy about.  I guess I just am always waiting for the other shoe to drop, like when will my happiness be stolen from me again.  I laid there last night praying that life would stay this way forever.  I prayed that forever I could be a mother to my three beautiful girls.   I want time to stop, because today Addie is here and we are a family of 5 and life is really, really good.  Anyone who has experienced cancer knows how quickly it happens, healthy one minute, stage 4 Neuroblastoma the next.  The life that you lived is completely taken away from you and for me I am haunted by what can happen.

Two years ago, I spent Mother's Day in a hospital room with my almost four month old baby, husband and my precious Addie.  Addie had an IV with morphine to keep her comfortable because her back pain was so severe.  There we waited for a diagnosis, for a reason why our precious 2 year old had a mass along her spine and was experiencing severe back pain.  On May 15, Addie was put under general anesthesia to biopsy her tumor (Naughty Randall) and to have a central line placed because the doctor's were confident it was cancer.  I remember our beloved surgeon, Dr. Potter, talking with us after the surgery.  He said that when he opened Addie up the tumor just came gushing out at him, it was coming through her rib cage, it was in her surrounding lymph nodes, pushing on her right lung, and was extending into her spinal canal.  On Reed's birthday, May 19th, it was confirmed that Addie did in fact have Neuroblastoma.  Addie's cancer was stage 4, it was in her bone marrow and there were multiple other areas of bony involvement.  Devastation doesn't even scratch the surface of what we felt.  Our precious baby girl had cancer, an extremely aggressive cancer, and to top things off she had the amplification that made it even worse.   I remember laying in the hospital bed with her while she slept and feeling like there was a monster inside of her, trying to kill her.  I wondered how long it had been there and questioned myself, what did I miss?  The pain that she had been enduring was brutal, her tumor had advanced into her spinal canal and was putting pressure on her spinal cord, she couldn't even bend over anymore.  The drive to Iowa City from Covenant was terrible, any bump in the road Addie would cry and complain in her car seat.  I remember being scared that we wouldn't leave that hospital with Addie, I was terrified that she would die.  I remember feeling like we would never see home again.  How could I still be a mother to Emma and Grace, when my heart was being ripped out of my chest.   Addie's only complaint during the onset of this was, "Mommy, my back hurting."  I had heard her say that numerous times leading up to her diagnosis, I would give her some Tylenol and Ibuprofen and in the beginning this would relieve her complaints and she would go about her day, playing and being Addie.  She was and still is so tough, the toughest girl I know.  We had a resident tell us during that stay that you would never guess Addie was the sickest kid on the floor.  Wow, did that send a mix of emotions.  Hello, we were on the oncology floor and we were told our kid was the sickest there... talk about scary.  The more I think about that however, the more comfort I find.  Looking at Addie that time in room 33 on 3JCP, no one would have guessed she had stage 4 cancer.  We played in that playroom any chance we got, she was smiling and interacting with the nurses and doctors, and we took numerous walks through the halls.  That resident really gave us a backwards compliment... Addie is so tough, she is a fighter and NOTHING was or is going to get her down.   Through it all, Addie was still Addie.  We literally tortured her, took her to death's door and she fought and she fought and praise God she is still here with us.  There are reasons Addie had cancer, there are reasons our family was put through this... reasons that I will likely not know until I enter heaven.  However, today and through this whole journey with Addie, I have felt His presence.  Our Heavenly Father has been with us every step of the way.  He knows the plans He has for Addie and they are good.  I will forever give thanks for my three beautiful girls, they truly are gifts from God.  I am beyond thankful that I have had two years with my precious girl.  I got to take her home in 2014 with NO EVIDENCE OF DISEASE and she continue to be here and perfect to this day.  No one knows what tomorrow will bring, I remind myself each day to rejoice in each moment and do not take anything for granted.

My precious girl, I love you so much.  Thank you Addie Lynn Brenden for always fighting, for never giving up and for just being you... through it all.  My prayer will forever be that you remain cancer free and can live a long, long happy life.  Lord please let it be so, let my girl LIVE.  I am very selfish, I will never be ready to say good-bye to her, I want her here with me, Please God let it be so.  Thank you for letting me be her mother.  Lord please help me push aside the worry so I can see the blessings each day brings.

Thank you Team Addie, for your love and support the last two years.  I wear my bracelet proudly knowing that I am part of a wonderful Team.  Thanks for supporting my girl and for lifting her up in prayer.  Your comments are so encourging, THANK YOU.