Day +19

Today is a good day... Addie has officially turned the corner and is headed down the road to recovery!!  She is doing so much better, still exhausted and sedated, but is doing miraculously well!!  She is off of her BIPAP mask and is breathing perfectly on her own!  They have her on a little bit of oxygen just to give her heart some extra help!  She has not needed dialysis for the past three days and her kidney numbers have not worsened!!  She is making urine and we have been doing lots of potty dances!!  They removed her urine catheter today, which I was ecstatic to see go!!  It was convenient but a definite risk for infection!!!  She is shedding her skin :) which is a normal part of transplant but otherwise looks great!!  She is very weak and still sleeps most of the day!  They are allowing her to drink water and suck on Popsicles which she enjoys!!  They continue to feed her through a tube in her nose and intravenously and she is tolerating all of that very well!! 

Addie has another eccocardiogram tomorrow... Please pray that her heart has made a full recovery and that she can be off of the heart medicine!!  Her BP has been a little finicky the past few days and the doctors feel it is mainly due to her kidney function... Praying that those kidneys continue to improve!! Pending her heart and her kidneys, we may be able to move downstairs very soon... I don't like to get ahead of myself because you never know what the day will bring but we are definitely closer today than we were yesterday :) she is definitely moving in the right direction!! 

I can not describe how incredibly thankful I am that my precious baby is healing!!  It really is a miracle that she is here today and doing as good as she is!!  I have heard multiple nurses tell me that it isn't often that they see a transplant child go back downstairs after being in the PICU. I just had a nurse tell me that it is truly amazing that Addie was extubated (taken off the ventilator).  She told me that the majority of transplant patients that are intubated do not survive!!  Wow, did that make my heart shake... It made me sad, scared and unbelievably happy all at the same time!!  I am saddened for those families that have to say goodbye to their precious children.  I am scared that Addie could still regress but I am so incredibly happy that she is still here with me today!!  I just said to Reed that I almost feel more anxious now... Scared that once again the floor will drop out from beneath us and that we will once again be close to losing our baby girl!!  But then I step back and remind myself to not fear but REJOICE in this moment!!! I push the fear and worry out and instead fill my heart with gratitude to Him, thanksgiving for saving my sweet Addie Bean!!  He is the reason that she is here right now... I felt Him in this room with us, healing her and comforting me!!  Thank you Jesus, for your unfailing love and your miraculous healing power!!  Thank you for these wonderful doctors and nurses and for giving them the wisdom to save my child!!  I hate that I feel nervous at my excitement and happiness and I hate that my tummy is rumbling right now writing this post.  I hate that the devil puts fear in our minds and is whispering to me right now, "Mandie, don't be happy in this moment because Addie may still not make it!"  I say forget that nonsense, I will trust my heart where Jesus resides and I will push those fears aside and give thanks for this moment!! 

Each day brings us closer to recovery and closer to Him!  Please continue to pray for Addie's body and her fragile organs.  She continues to run fevers sporadically, please say a prayer that she will NOT get an infection and it is merely her body recovering and working to support itself... Please Jesus NO infections!  Addie still faces a long journey to conquer this but I know that she can do it... No doubts that my baby will be victorious!! 

Go Team Addie

“But Jesus looked at them and said to them, ‘With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.’”

Matthew 19:26

Addie in her squishy bandages to make her mask more comfortable, taking a break from her BIPAP to see how those lungs would do on their own!

Daddy wasn't going to shave his beard until Addie came home but the second she woke up and saw that furry mess she put an end to that... Thank you Addie!!!  She is the boss of the family!!

Smiles Today

God is so good!!  Look what we got to see this morning...

That smile is back, our little Addie is doing so much better... Praise Jesus!!!  At about 1:30 AM she turned the corner and her lungs started doing better!!  Her chest X-ray this morning looked much better and her kidney numbers are stable, which is miraculous considering how much diuretics they gave her through the night!!  The diuretics are working and she may not have to have dialysis today!!!  The swings in either direction up here are intense but this swing brought lots of happiness to room 5!!! 

Big win for Team Addie 

Day +16

"A life full of praises and thankfulness becomes a life filled with miracles.  Instead of trying to be in control, you focus on Me and what I am doing." 

Thankfulness in times of trial is not an easy task.  However, the more I find myself thanking him the more peace and reassurance I feel!!  Even the simplest of thank yous brings happiness to Him!!!  No matter what we face and no matter how hard the day seems, if we open our eyes and our hearts wide enough we will see the many blessings our Heavenly Father bestows upon us!!!  

Today has been one of those days full of doubt... Did we make the right decisions?! Is Addie going to recover, can her organs be healthy once again?! Is this going to set us back in her cancer treatment?!  So many fears and so many unknowns... Every day I have to force these thoughts out of mind.   I remind myself to look to Him for the answers, I tell myself that tomorrow doesn't matter, to enjoy today and I reassure myself that He will never forsake me!!! I have to continuously tell myself that His will for Addie is great and perfect, I have to contine to trust in His plan for her!!  I force out the fear, swallow my anxiety and I give thanks... Thanks for another day with my beautiful girl, for my family and my three wonderful girls, for the amazing people who continue to pour out their love and support upon us and to Him for never leaving my side, for holding my hand and hugging my heart!!  Honestly, if I were walking this path alone I would have given up long ago, it is hard, so hard and it hurts... But He is there!!! 

Addie was taken off her ventilator today!!! We were so anxious to get that tube out and to have our girl back!!  Unfortunately, getting that tube out did not make for an easy day, quite the opposite actually! Addie's body is so responsive to any little imbalances, especially her lungs!! She continues to have an issue with pulmonary edema (fluid in her lungs) which is what made her coming off of the ventilator a little tricky!!  It is still very unclear as to what is causing Addie to retain fluid, why it happened and why it continues to happen. Please pray for this, pray for clarity and for healing!! Pray that Addie will continue to improve and the fluid will diurese and never return!!!

Currently Addie's lungs are being supported by a BIPAP machine.  The BIPAP works by forcing air into Addie's mouth and down into her lungs!!!  She looks like Darth Vader :) and I am told it makes her feel like she is sticking her head out of a car window going about 20 mph.  She is tolerating it very well and so far it has kept her from needing to be re-intubated!!  I have heard multiple times tonite... "Addie is one tough girl, I can't believe how well she is tolerating that mask!! And I can't believe she is breathing so effortlessly despite how bad her lungs look!" (Both reassuring and nauseating all at the same time!)  This is the first time the PICU has really been able to see that Addie Brenden gusto, they are definitely seeing who is the boss!!!  I thank Jesus that Addie is tolerating the mask and that it is helping her... It was very touch and go as to if it was going to work but so far so good!!! Praying, praying that continues!! 

Each minute up here feels so uncertain and at any given moment things change!!  I am so thankful that Addie continues to improve but there are definite moments throughout the day that I worry she may regress... Praise God this has not been the case!!!  I am so hesitant to say we are past things when there are still so many unknown factors but what I do know for now is that Addie's heart is improving and the doctors are extremely happy.  She doesn't have VOD yet and hopefully never will!!  She is off of the ventilator with significant help from the BIPAP.  Her kidneys remain on the outs and are being helped with a three hour hemodialysis treatment each day.  The kidney doctors hope that her kidneys will make a full recovery and the ICU doctors are hopeful that her lungs will eventually heal.  The doctors tell me these things take time and of course nothing is certain!!  I can't say that we have an over abundance of time because of Addie's cancer protocol but we can only do what Addie's body will allow!!  

Today I am incredibly thankful she is here, holding my hand and saying "momma"... Thank you Jesus so much for allowing me to hear that sweet voice!!! I pray that Addie continues to improve each day!!  I pray that she stays hopeful!!  Soon enough it won't matter why this happened because it will all be gone... A miracle in the making AKA, Addie Lynn Brenden! 

Happy Thanksgiving Team Addie.

Getting some much needed sister love before her vent was removed! 

Goosie and our little Darth Vader!  :)

Thank you to Jannelle Wilks at Main Street Sweets for making these for our family and the staff here at the hospital... Hands down BEST cookies ever!!

Also thank you to the Mudd Group, their wonderful employees, Ashley Thompson, and the Zimmerman family for the amazing thanksgiving meals we received!!! 

Also thanks MerriLee for the beautiful quilt and for visiting!  What a thoughtful and meaningful gift!  

This Thanksgiving was something special because of all of you and because of the wonderful people we shared it with! 

Day +14

My devotional has continued to be about thankfulness and tonight it said...  Draw near to me with a grateful heart, and My Presence will fill you with joy and peace.  It also said if you practice thankfulness consistently, negative thought patterns will grow weaker and weaker, and if you are busy being thankful you don't have time for worry or fear... Thank you Jesus for these words, for putting exactly what I need to hear in front of me!  I could sit all day and worry... There are so many things to fear and stress about as Addie's future remains so unclear!!  Oddly, I continue to find myself at peace, and not consumed with worry!!  My former self would not have been so... I was that girl who worried about everything and anything!!  I was that mother that felt like I had control over everything, the text book satellite Mom.  I felt that if I were near nothing could harm my babies.  Well here I lay in the PICU on day 22 post transplant with my precious baby on a ventilator... How is that for a loss of control?!  It was control that I never had, that never belonged to me!!  Talk about a reality check... I thank God for that reality check... Would I have preferred it in a less tragic way, not the punch in the gut that I received?! Absolutely!!  But I was blind and perhaps a suddle slap in the face wouldn't have done the trick!!!  As awful as this is and as much as it hurts to see my baby sick, I am so thankful for this new awareness, for His Presence! It is so true that when we need Him, He is there!!  He is always there!!  It is a feeling that is indescribable, to have so much hurt and feel so much love all at the same time!!  I have NO control over anything but what I do have is the ability to pray and trust in Him.  I trust that his control is far better than mine, he loves Addie even more than I!!

Tonight I am incredibly thankful for the knowledge and technology that we possess and for the amazing doctors and nurses that care for my sweet Addie Bean!!  I am so grateful for this machine that saved my daughters life...

Praise Jesus for these things... Thank you Lord for giving my baby another chance at life!  I continue to pray that I will watch her grow.  That I will be able to walk her to kindergarten and enjoy her sporting events.  That I will see her in her beautiful prom dress and some day move her into college!  I pray that someday she makes me loads of grandbabies!!  I pray for these things almost daily... There will be no greater gift to me than for me to raise my babies, and watch them grow into beautiful women, women of God!!  I know Addie's journey will bring glory to God and our team is making His wonderful name known!!  

Hallelujah for another good day... A great day!!  Addie was taken off of her dialysis machine today to see what those little kidneys of hers will do!! Praying for pee, pee and more pee :). If her kidneys do well and the fluid balance is regulated than we should hear that sweet voice again in a day or two!!  I can't wait to hear that voice, see that smile and kiss those big lips!!

Please continue to pray that her liver stays unharmed... Today was a good liver day!  Also pray that her platelets will take hold.  She has been burning through her platelets (1-2 transfusions/day).  Historically, platelets are the last to take residence in the bone marrow so it isn't uncommon what Addie is experiencing. However, platelet wasting can also sometimes be an indicator of liver injury and VOD, praying that will not be the case!! 

Please Jesus let us see that smile soon...

Go Team Addie!  

Day +13

Here we are 21 days in... Addie remains stable but still quite sick!  Each day it seems that something turns up and puts just a tiny kink in our road to recovery.  She is far better than she was last Tuesday but she is still very far from going back downstairs and eventually home!   Currently Addie is dealing with something called rhabdomyolysis which can be caused by a number of things, it can harm her kidneys, liver and skeletal muscles.  The treatment for it is typically dialysis which is what we are already on but what that means is that this whole dialysis process is being dragged on!!  From a ventilator/breathing stand point, Addie is doing really well and will be ready to come off of that as soon as the dialysis is over!  Her heart is also doing quite well, which I am beyond thankful for!! Thank you Jesus!!!  Addie will be getting a new eccocardiogram soon to examine just exactly what her heart function is.  I am praying all will be well and she will be able to come off of her heart medicine soon!! 

We have a something quite scary knocking at the front door... It is called VOD and it appears that Addie may be headed in that direction!  This can cause liver damage and death, it is typically self limiting but if the damage is severe the liver can not be repaired!  Please ask Our Heavenly Father to see Addie through this, to guard her liver and protect it from damage!!  Please Jesus let Addie be past the bumps in the road, please Lord see her past this!!!

On an even more somber note... My little sweetheart seems sad, quite down about her current situation!  Our Addie doesn't get sad or hopeless and throughout all of this I have never seen her cry until yesterday!  It is absolutely heartbreaking to see the hurt in her eyes and see those big crocodile tears fall down her checks!!!  I have been praying overtime that He would comfort her, letting her know this is just temporary and she will be past this soon!!   Please pray the same, pray that she would feel our love and that His peace would fall over her!!  Please Lord let her not be in pain and please don't let her lose hope or lose that will to fight!!  Please Jesus let this be over soon... Let me see my baby girl again, let me hear her sweet voice and see her precious smile!!!  Give us our Addie back!!! 

We love you Father and thank you for everything you do!!  I thank you for carrying me through this and allowing me to constantly feel your loving presence!! 

Go Team Addie!  

Day +10

Today was a good day... A stable day!  I hesitate saying good for fear that in the next ten minutes it could turn bad!  That seems to be how things go here in the ICU, one minute Addie is chugging along perfectly and then next her BP is 60/30 and we have every doctor on the floor in our room... Our day yesterday!!  I feel at ease saying today was stable... Because that is a great place to be considering where we are!!

Yesterday was a bumpy ride and almost gave me a nervous breakdown!  I'm afraid the more days I spend here the less capable I feel at handling these very high tense/stressful situations!  Yesterday brought a very scary BP situation and more fevers.  We also discovered that Addie definitely has a fungal infection. The doctors also feel that there may be more of an infection going on than what they can detect.  I heard "It is likely Addie has sepsis!" or "Addie is septic!" (an infection in the blood stream, really dangerous) too many times yesterday.  The thought alone of sepsis gives any cancer Mom severe anxiety and especially a post transplant cancer Mom (Momcologist, I was told by a friend is the proper term for us)! We have sent cultures and so far things have been negative, thank you Jesus!!! They are covering Addie with very aggressive and broad spectrum antibiotics, and we are praying hard that these will knock out anything trying to grow!!  In spite of the low blood pressure crisis, fevers and a possible infection, yesterday was still a win in my book!!!  We got great news concerning her heart function and they were able to correct the BP issue quickly and minimally.  Frankly, everyday she is here with us is a WIN!!!  

Can I just say thank you Jesus for MEDICINE!!! Thank God for antibiotics, anti-fungals, blood products, norepinephrine, and so many other medicines that are saving my babies life!!

The plan... It is still really unclear and very dependent on what Addie's body is capable of!  Ideally, they will wean her off of dialysis and her kidneys will be able to manage the fluid and her heart function will stay normal!  The weaning process has already begun and time will tell how Addie responds!!  They did an ultrasound today of Addie's kidneys and they looked good, which was amazing news!!  Other great news... She is officially ENGRAFTING!!!!  We have a white count!!! Yay!!!  Even with everything that is going on, Addie's body was still able to engraft and in a really good amount of time... I find that to be a miracle in itself and could not be more thankful that He continues to be so unbelievably gracious and faithful to our little Addie Bean!!  I can't scream it loud enough... God is so GOOD, praise him!!! 

Here is my theory about what occurred and why we are here... Addie got acute kidney injury due to her chemotherapy regiment for transplant, which in turn led to fluid backing up into her lungs and around her heart.  The fluid caused her heart to function poorly and put her into congestive heart failure.  If we get the fluid balanced and give her kidneys a chance to catch up, her body will repair itself and she will be left with no permanent damage... I am also holding onto the fact that engraftment causes fevers and inflammation which explains why Addie has been spiking fevers recently!  That is my HOPE, my prayer!! But let's be honest, what do I know?!   A Mom can dream can't she?!  That would be the best case scenario and that is what this Momcologist is going to hold onto until they tell me otherwise!!  They tell me my diagnosis is unlikely but Addie is anything but "normal" and she definitely doesn't follow statistics!! 

Lastly, I wanted to share something with you all... I am asked often how I do it, how am I so strong or how do I stay so positive?!  And I never can come up with a good answer because in my mind I think "what am I doing, I'm far from strong and I have fears that I fight with every day?!" What I know is that each day I try to be the best Mom I can be and I work very hard at keeping it together for my family... Desperately trying to make this nightmare the least damaging as possible!!  The only thing I can think of to explain how I get thru each day is JESUS... I don't feel strong, I fight to be positive and I have no idea how I manage to keep it together from day to day!!  It isn't me... It is something far greater than me leading me through this journey with Addie, it is HIM!!  I am so incredibly thankful that I am never alone, not for a second! And even more thankful that Addie is never alone!!  Tonight in my devotional this is what it read... 

I was given this devotional three days ago and each day I have opened it to read it and each day it has spoken directly to my heart... Giving me the words I needed to ease my anxiety, calm my fears and start my next day!!  I just said today to the chaplain here that my heart overflows with thankfulness for Him, for our families and for everyone that is supporting us through this!  I told her that I felt like I couldn't show Him or tell Him enough how thankful I am for saving my baby girl's life.  The chaplain said it perfectly... She said it isn't about the number of times you thank Him that He cares about it is the direction you turn your heart.  Well Jesus, my heart is pointed straight at you and I pray that I will forever be able to walk through life with my eyes wide open, continuing to see You in it all!! 

Prayers please that someday soon this nightmare will be past us and we can be out of the ICU, back on schedule and watching my wild woman run the hallways of 3JCP with a perfect heart, liver, lungs and kidneys!  

Go Team Addie!! 

Day +8

Wow... The outpouring of love and support that I have heard about and caught glimpses of are absolutely amazing!!!  Addie has the best team in town... Loved by so many!!  Lord hear our prayers!!! 

Today was a good day...  Addie is responding very positively so far to the treatment!! There are still too many variables to give any insight on what is to come but what I know is that she is here with us!!!  The future remains unclear and she has a long road ahead but I am praying that we are climbing that hill and won't ever be going back!!!  

Addie's heart function more than doubled today and her body has been happily letting go of the fluid!!  The doctors were surprised and extremely happy with the outcome so far!  However, because the cause is still unknown it is very unclear what the endpoint will be!!  In spite of all of the unknowns, I find myself at peace.  Today we were able to be a family and spend time with a dear friend.  I did not allow the fear in what lies ahead to ruin a perfectly good day... A day that I was able to spend with my beautiful girls, all THREE of them!!  We have to celebrate and give thanks for each victory and yesterday was huge and today was right behind that, a win for Team Addie!! 

Thank you Jesus for continuing to walk this road with us!!  Please Lord fill Addie with your grace and your love.  Let her know your presence more than ever and let her feel the love that we all have for her.  Please make it known that she is not alone in this fight!  We are here for her every step of the way!!   

I can't wait to see her... See that smile, hear that sweet voice!!  I would even take a huge tantrum right now, anything!!  Please Lord let this time pass quickly, let it merely be a bump in the road, an event that proves the strength Addie has and the power You have to heal!! 

Thank you everyone!! Thank you to the doctors and nurses again for providing such wonderful care to my baby... Lord be with our medical team, give them wisdom to know how to make my sweetheart well once again!  

Go Team Addie!! 

"Do not be afraid for I am with you."

Isaiah 43:4