Happy Easter Team Addie... He is Risen. What a wonderful Easter it was... ALL together, HEALTHY, lots of candy, easter egg hunts and most importantly celebrating JESUS!
It is that time again, SCANS... scanxiety is in full force, but honestly scanxiety never really goes away. We head to Michigan tomorrow for Addie's three month follow-up scans. This is the longest we have gone without scans. Addie is doing wonderfully, thriving... still not sure she is growing :) But she is happy and outwardly healthy. PRAYING, praying, praying that she is ALL over healthy. Always praying that there is NO more and will never be any terrible cells in her body.
I am scared, but I am always scared... every ache, pain, test, and scan turns me on RED ALERT. Red alert is not a comfortable place to live, it overcomes all other aspects of my life. When you think of my mind just think of a hamster on a wheel going around and around. That is me most days, just spinning around the Addie anxiety wheel. Questioning, worrying, praying, hoping, thanking... over and over and over again.
I am here packing and feeling the need to pack extra because what if something shows on her scans?! What will that mean? Will we be stuck in the hospital in Michigan? Will I be apart from Grace and Emma and for how long? Will Addie be okay, are there options, will her heart and kidneys be strong enough for more chemotherapy? How much has the cancer spread? Will it respond? How long will she be treated and suffer? When will the cancer overcome her? When will I lose her? What will that look like? Can I be a good Mother to my other daughters without Addie here? Will I survive? Please don't let her suffer Lord, please don't make her fight again. I know she is strong and will do anything we ask of her, she will suffer through endless therapies, likely with a smile, but please don't make her. Please don't separate us again. I can't bare the thought of seeing her sick, suffering, and separated from her sisters again. She will never feel sorry for herself, but I will Lord... I am not strong enough to face this beast again. I can not do it, please don't make me. Please don't let my girl suffer again. Let her live a life, a healthy life. She is deserving of life, a life without pain, a life without cancer, a life that most people take for granted... she is deserving Lord. Please let her attend kindergarten, let her make friends, have sleepovers, have her first kiss, go to prom, go to college, get married and make me a grandma.
I remember being worried about heaven and Addie going there without anyone she really knows... Our grandparents are there but she didn't get to really know them. When my mother-in-law got sick I remember thinking that the Lord was going to take her to heaven so that way Addie would have someone waiting for her. Crying my eyes out, I told Carol this and in a strange way I was comforted knowing that Addie would have Grandma Carol to welcome her. Thankfully, Grandma Carol is still alive. She is in need of prayer and miraculous healing but we are beyond thankful that she is here. I am also thankful that God showed me that Grandma Carol doesn't need to be in heaven for Addie. Last Sunday in church, I got a picture in my mind of Jesus in heaven. I got an immense sense of peace in realizing that Jesus is there and his love for Addie surpasses all others. I truly understood at that moment that He is our Father and that the love he has for us and we have for Him is that of a father's love. I got a picture of Jesus welcoming Addie into his arms and she was smiling, she was happy and He was happy holding her and at that moment I knew that no matter what my Addie will be ok, better than ok, she will be perfect. Jesus will be there for Addie and there is no better place to be but in Heaven wrapped in the arms of Jesus. I discovered that my real fear lies with us left behind, her family left without her, to never be together again in the context that I know. Can my life really go on without her, how could I survive?
I used to be scared to death of flying, vivid nightmares before flights, picturing how the plane would crash... I know, I am nuts!! We recently took a vacation (another post, I am working on) and my once real fear of flying is now NOTHING, it is a blip on the radar compared to the fear I face with Addie everyday. This is going to sound completely insane but I found myself thinking while on that flight that if we crashed at least we would all enter heaven together. I know, I am nuts! But Addie fear surpasses all others, the fear in the loss of a child is beyond anything I have experienced. I remind myself that it is just fear, I have not lost my baby, there is no indication she will go to heaven before me or any of us. I remind myself all the time that this fear is NOT from God, this fear is Satan trying to rob me of joy. If I were a Momcologist whose child had not yet reached NED, or had relapsed, or a parent who had suffered the loss of a child I would hate me... How dare I worry about things that haven't happened and may never happen. How dare I put myself in their shoes when my child is still alive and currently without disease. How dare I let fear and anxiety steal my joy. How dare I not appreciate every single moment spent with my girl because these are moments that some will never get. I am so sorry. I am sorry that I am weak. I am sorry that occasionally the devil wins and fear and anxiety rule my mind. I wish I was stronger, I pray that I could truly give it all up. I must stop the wheel of fear and anxiety, and be thankful in this moment!!!!! We were asked a question in church this Sunday, how long must we be believers in Christ to TRUST Him... Wow, did that hit home with me. TRUST, trust, trust. That word circles in my mind over and over and over again. I hear the Lord say:
Mandie, just give it up and trust in Me, trust My plan... I LOVE her more than you, I am your loving Father, no matter what happens, I am here, loving you and caring for her. I HAVE this, there is no need to worry. Instead pray, give thanks and ENJOY your precious girls.
That was just a small glimpse at my wheel... going around and around. The things that I think of from day to day. It is absolutely exhausting but I am beyond thankful that my wheel lately has been mostly focused on JOY and thankfulness. We spent Easter together, I was able to watch my three girls hunt for easter eggs, we attended church as a family, we are HERE and all together... beyond thankful for that. Togetherness. There is truly nothing better than being together, watching my girls loving one another, which sometimes looks a lot like fighting :) God is good and continues to pour out his love and faithfulness in our lives. He is answering our prayers. Praise God!! Addie's life is a gift that I will continue to cherish forever. We will forever be together in Christ and I know that whatever our future holds, He will provide. He will always BE ENOUGH! What a wonderful Father we have, he is strong, faithful, trustworthy, wise and is ALWAYS ENOUGH.
I recently came across TheTruth365... it is an organization bringing awareness to childhood cancer. They have a page on facebook. If you want your eyes wide open to this awful beast we call childhood cancer that is the site to look at. The loss, sorrow and devastation families face each day is heart breaking. These precious children battling cancer so valiantly, so strongly, and full of faith. It reminded me of how fortunate we are with Addie's battle with Neuroblastoma. At this moment she is victorious, she is here and she is thriving. We have enjoyed time together as a family that many cancer families do not get. I pray that a cure will be found, I pray that no child would have to suffer from this awful disease. I pray that Addie will have clear scans on Thursday and forever and ever! I pray that my wheel would stay focused on joy and thankfulness, it sure does make for a better day!
Please pray Team Addie. Thank you for always praying us through.
Addie Lynn Brenden you are my heart, I love you more than words can describe. Please Lord let me keep her, enjoy her and cherish every precious moment I have with her.
