Today also marks the ONE year anniversary of the scariest day we experienced on her protocol. On this day last year Dr. Tina sat Reed and I down and told us that Addie's heart was failing. She explained that Addie needed to be intubated in order to try and save her life. She also explained that because Addie's heart was so weak there was a greater than 50% chance she would go into cardiac arrest and die while they tried to intubate her. WOW, how do you hear that?! Reed and I were shocked, it literally hit us out of nowhere, we knew she was sick but didn't really grasp the severity. Dr. Tina then asked us to make some very difficult choices as to how we wished to proceed if Addie did go into cardiac arrest, decisions that no parents should ever have to make. We immediately called our families and dearest friends and told them that they needed to visit Addie because it could be the last time they would see her alive. Reed and I sat with her (she was so sick, very sleepy but still our Addie) and I remember praying over her and asking Him to protect her, to keep her heart beating and most of all to not let her be scared... I remember telling Addie that Jesus was in her heart and that no matter what happened He would keep her safe and that He would not let anything bad happen to her. I explained to her how much He loved her. I also told her that if she saw Him when she was sleeping to tell Him, Jesus I am not ready. I told her to tell Him that her Mommy and Daddy still needed her. I begged her to stay strong and I remember continually placing my hand to her heart pleading to God that it would keep beating. I remember desperately praying that He would let her survive, that her time with us was not coming to an end. I remember thinking about how the heavens would light up the second she arrived and how she would be the perfect little angel. However from that moment, and every moment after, I have prayed that He would let me have her. I continually tell Him that He can have her when I am gone and also awaiting her arrival in heaven! I can't imagine a life without her, she is so perfect. I pray and I pray that He would allow for me to be her mother, to witness her grow into a beautiful woman, and that she could experience life. I trust that whatever His will is for Addie it is perfect and I know that He will never forsake us but I do know that a life without my Addie is a life that I don't want to imagine living.
We left Addie in PICU room 5 that afternoon, she was surrounded by all of the doctors we knew that loved her. (our Dr. Potter, and our beloved Nurse Practioner Mary) I remember hugging Mary and telling her to not let them give up, to make them try everything. I said the same to Dr. Potter. Dr. Tina asked how long we wanted chest compressions to go on if that occurred and I remember telling her to treat her like she was her own, I begged her to do everything she could. We hugged our precious girl and kissed her one last time and walked down the hallway to wait with our families. That could have been the last moments we had her, the last kisses and the last hug. I had to leave the room, we had the option to stay. I couldn't bear the thought of watching her, I knew I wouldn't survive watching it if something bad happened. Reed and I just paced the hallway wondering what was happening and thinking of our precious little girl lying there. It felt like years and then we saw Dr. Kate (So blessed to have her as our PICU resident that day and every day thereafter... Kate you are a wonderful doctor and we LOVE you) she told us that Addie DID IT, the intubation was successful and that they were going to proceed with placing her dialysis catheter. A while later Dr. Tina appeared in the waiting room and I couldn't hug her fast enough. She told us that Addie's heart welcomed the help, that it didn't even think to put up a fight. She said it couldn't have gone any smoother and that the second she was intubated she could tell that Addie just relaxed, and was at peace, her body could finally rest and begin to heal. THANK YOU Jesus, what an amazing God we have. What an amazing girl I have, Addie Lynn Brenden you are our MIRACLE, every day spent with you is a gift from GOD. The joy that came over us that day was immense, the days that laid ahead were more than intense, words can't even begin to describe them, but SHE was alive. She was with us and that gave us HOPE, I never doubted for a moment following that she wouldn't make it... I am pretty sure our team was still very worried and I am sure had I fully understood the severity of Addie's condition I may have been more worried as well... but I felt peace, HIS peace!!! I have never felt closer to the Lord than in that month, He was with Addie and I in that room, every second. I could feel his presence and I knew that He was with her, comforting her while she slept... I cry just thinking about His immense love for her and for all of us.
Tomorrow Addie will begin her end of treatment scans, she will have a CT tomorrow and then Wednesday she will have an MRI, MIBG scan and a bone marrow biopsy. I am a mess, I have been a mess but thankfully I am not alone and thankfully my girl is right here!!! Prayers are greatly appreciated for my girl; that her scans will remain clear for an eternity and that she will never have to fight for her life again. We love you Team Addie, thank you for walking through this journey with us. Here we go again!! Joel Osteen says PRAY BIG prayers... There is a lot of big praying happening!!! Lets not only pray for Addie but also for all the other children who face this awful disease and other types of cancer... PRAY FOR A CURE, that Cancer would cease to exist!!! He can DO IT!
Ok Addie, lets do this... No funny business your weak Mother can not handle it.
Best team in town!!!
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